How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
