over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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