i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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