just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
