I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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