I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.