she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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