I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
