the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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