my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
two words...techno handjob
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
