it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
