Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
sex in a hospital.. check
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
