If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
