I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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