I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
