walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
