I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
