Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
