I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize