an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
