Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
