I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
