Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
