She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You left your phone here
Wait...
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