New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
