Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
