Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
