Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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