i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i came on her dog
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home