hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.