You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
