In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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