Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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