so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
