I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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