when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
