apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
