i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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