Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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