I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
