I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
