Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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