Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
