"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
