I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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