if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
