Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
