the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
