I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
