stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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