need another drink. this is the easiest way
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
