my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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