I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
