I feel like I'm in dance class right now
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
