True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Shame - the story of my life.
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