So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
