Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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