The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
